MONTH 45: Everything feels dark right now. Trying to find the rainbows where I can. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #EmDay

MONTH 44 Your little sister turned two this month. Her birthday will always be bittersweet - she is joy personified, but she is also only here because you are not, and there is pain in that reality. As I was sitting with these big feelings, I took down the bears I had made for each of you, sewn with the swaddling blankets that matched my robes and weighted to exactly match your birth weights. Your sister sat with both bears in the glider and I felt a lump form in my throat, all the complexities swirling around inside of me. And then your sister jabbed at the button nose on your bear and yelled, "SO FUNNNNNYYYY!" as she marveled that a nose could be a button and all my big feelings melted into a sea of gratitude. I'm so grateful you were born. I'm so grateful she was born. And I'm so grateful you can play together, even if only through your bear. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #EmDay

Sometimes, especially in the middle of the night as I lie in this same bed in the video, my hand on the same stomach pictured here, I find I still can't quite wrap my mind around things. How can I still have the bed, the body, the sleepless nights, but no Enmeline? After all these months, I'm not sure which is harder to grasp - that that chapter was real (and so were you, my stomach's motion a testament to all the life contained within me), or that that chater ended (and so did you, all of that movement and life suddenly ceasing). At 4:10 am nothing makes sense - except the love I still carry for you, Ems. #stillbornstillloved #stillbirth #mybabydied #emmelineiris #imissmykid #trueknot

I couldn't light a candle for you tonight as I am in sessions until 11pm, but your candle has been next to my laptop all evening. Even unlit, it reminds me of you. #waveoflight #EmmelineIris #mybabydied #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved

MONTH 43 Two different people in my social circle have had to navigate the process of cremation for a very wanted, very loved pregnancy this past month. As much as it hurts to learn the ins and outs of that process and to know how to handle calls with hospitals to ensure nothing was amiss 43 months ago, I am so grateful that our experience has made their lives just the littlest, tiniest bit easier. Your life and your death made me a very different person, one who knows things I never thought I would know and who can speak openly about my traumas and sit in the darkest grief with others. I have capacities beyond those I could have ever imagined. If I could trade these lessons to instead have you in my arms, I would. But life doesn't work like that. So I am glad that if these arms cannot have you in them, I can at least use my arms and these lessons to hold up other women who are walking this path. It will never be ok or fine that you died. It will always be painful, senseless, and brutal. But there is also beauty in your life and the ways you live on in the world and on in me. I'm so glad I get to be your mama, Em. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #EmDay #cremation

MONTH 42 Happy half birthday, Bemma Boo. You are so loved. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied

MONTH 41 We really wanted to watch you grow up. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #EmmDay

MONTH 40 When you died, we decided that the 27th of each month would be spent remembering you. We resolved that we would take the day off of work and create a space on our calendar that was just for you. Forty of these milestones later, it is still something we do. Although there is never a day where you aren't on our minds, it's now easier to get a little lost in the shuffle of regular life during the rest of the month. Reserving the 27th as YOUR day helps us feel connected to you, Emmeline. It also allows necessary whitespace to process whatever feelings have come up in the nonlinear journey of grieving. Often we try to make plans to do something in your honor or to visit the beach where we scattered some of your ashes. Nearly as often, those plans do not come to fruition. The grief can still flatten me. It isn't as sharp now. I no longer feel like my chest will be torn open, unable to contain the searing pain of your absence. I no longer find myself keening, likely frightening passersby as the wails cut through the walls of our home and make their way to those out for a walk on an otherwise peaceful evening. I don't feel like hurling smoothies at the wall as my anger storms inside. But I am still so, so sad that I do not get to see you grow up. I'm grateful that I can take this day to just sit in that sadness and wonder about what should have been. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #EmmDay

MONTH 39 Lately I've had the lyrics to "Somewhere Out There" repeating in my brain. Specifically these: Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there And even though I know how very far apart we are It helps to think we might be wishin' on the same bright star And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky Our amazing doula, @heartworkdoulatog gifted us this print on your first birthday. Sometimes when we're missing you extra, we go outside and look up at the night sky. Knowing that these are the same stars that were above us when you came into the world 39 months ago helps us feel a little bit closer to you. Love you hard, Ems. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #imissmykid #mybabydied #stars #somewhereoutthere

Month 38 It's been a while since we lost you, but we still have those in our life that are keeping you close and looking for the rainbows where they can find them. Sometimes those rainbows are literal and sometimes they are more… literary. Either way, we appreciate knowing that there are people who think of Emmeline and want to share their thoughts with us. Thanks to all for keeping our daughter close. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #WhenWeSeeARainbow

Month 37 A month ago we distributed irises in your honor, and since then we have heard appreciation from our neighbors. The seeds of your memory have begun to bud. And this morning, I looked out front and witnessed a more literal budding - one of your irises is beginning to bloom alongside the many other bulbs we spread throughout our neighborhood. I'm so glad that I can look around our home and see reminders of you and our memory of you. Thanks for being my daughter. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #BestBuds

3 Years Today is your 3rd birthday. When we were pregnant with you, I imagined your birthdays would be happy days, filled with giddily torn wrapping paper tossed in the air, gleeful giggles as a new toy was revealed and the clatter and bangs of that plaything being put to first use. Today we have none of that, and there is a quiet as we remember your life and find bittersweet joy in your memory. Around our house and yard we see the fragments of you that we have placed there, and I am glad that your presence persists in its own way. But you should be alive, I should be able to hear your voice. I should be chasing you, tickling you, reading to you, comforting you, teaching you, not grasping at the wisps of your passing. And so, on this day, I am so happy and so sad. I carry you with me, but feel your absence. I wish I could have looked into your eyes and heard your voice. On your birthday, I am glad that I could know you and be your father, but ache with the reality that it is the smallest splinter of what you could, and should, have been. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #HappyBirthday #Splinter

We set up a subscription to the Lovevery play kits for you as part of our registry, E. When your cord got too tightly knotted to supply oxygen to your brain and ended your life, I angrily sent customer service a "MY BABY DIED" email. I asked that they immediately cancel the subscription and apply our credit to a playmat we could gift a friend. The rep was wonderful - she sent a compassionate reply, comped the playmat, and, a few days later, we received beautiful flowers from the entire customer service team. But, although I could cancel the kits, I couldn't unsubscribe from the emails. Erasing them from our inbox felt like erasing you, Em. Sometimes it's nice to see these emails, all of which were automated for Emmeline under the assumption that her cord would allow a continuous and steady stream of blood and oxygen. It's a reminder that she DID exist, that she SHOULD be here, that she MATTERED, and systems all over the world still know her name. But this email was a real kick in the teeth. We aren't there. There's nothing to look forward to. She's dead. This birth week is looming large. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #almost3

35 Months My uterus aches with emptiness today, for Emmeline and for my other losses. Paradoxically, it feels so HEAVY, like it’s pressing down on all my organs and into my spine as my body tries to capture all of the swirling grief and physically contain it. Mentally I feel ok. Emotionally I feel ok-ish. The somatic element of my trauma and grief is taking over today. I feel like I’ve had phantom pregnancy sensations off and on for years. My brain interprets twinges as tiny kicks or an elbow to a rib. Hunger can feel like a roll. And the emptiness feels like a weight, pulling me down and smothering me, just as my third trimester belly did. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #PhantomPregnancy #Empty

Found a little wink and wave. #HiEmmeline

10 MONTHS Today, as a storm descended upon the area, we again visited the beach where we scattered your ashes and left metal memorial hearts. It felt familiar to be sitting on a rock with a metal heart in my hand, overlooking the angry waves while I felt myself seething with rage over your absence. I took a video to post, and when I looked for the original 10 month photo, I discovered we'd written it up but never shared it. It makes sense it got overlooked given what a fraught time that was. Here it is now, 24 months belatedly: We spent Christmas week in the desert, completely isolated from the holidays and this first Christmas following Emmeline's stillbirth. I was feeling pretty resilient and pulled together after that respite. Yesterday we flew home and today hit like a ton of fucking bricks on her 10-month birthiversary. All of our parents are in town to commemorate the milestone by helping us scatter her ashes. When we had to find a funnel to transfer some of THE ONLY PHYSICAL REMAINS OF MY DEAD BABY from the receptacle the mortuary chose to a small jar we painted, I just broke. My dad stepped in to help my husband since I couldn't and it was a sweet moment, but oof, this is feeling like one of those times where everything is just too hard and it's about to get harder. I was supposed to be trying to fit Emmeline into car seats and babywraps and snowsuits and fiddly Christmas outfits - not a repurposed spice jar. That will never not be brutal. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #ashes #storm

34 MONTHS It's been 34 months without you but the grief is still raw. Your absence echoes in my soul.  Nothing is normal. I haven't calibrated to a new normal either. Although I wish I could collapse November/December/January/February or hibernate through this intense period of grief, I'm participating in more traditions. I still can't truly “holiday,” but I'm trying.  I'm trying to get out of bed. I'm trying to go through the daily routines. I'm trying to remember how to find joy in the season. We put up the wreath again as well as a small tree in the ADU, covered in ornaments for you. We got matching jammies for all of us, including you. We're still scrambling to get out the “happy new year” card for 2022/2023 before the year wraps up and to do a slightly more timely one for 2023/2024, both of which feature you (assuming we actually get it together and finish them). I don't know how many years it will be until I no longer feel like I'm just robotically going through the motions and can again delight in all the winter festivities, but I know that your memory will be in my heart always - whether I'm paralyzed with sadness or caught up in the joy of the holidays. Love you, E. So much.  #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #christmas #holidays

Month 33 November and December are especially fraught in our house. You should be here with our family, experiencing seasonal joy and food in our arms and at our table. Instead on Thanksgiving your bear joined us from afar, perched on the buffet, standing watch over our food against poorly behaved cats. As we approach Christmas, we are still figuring out how to include your memory in our winter festivities. We wanted to make sure that we had clothing for your bear that would suit our holiday photoshoots, and so we’ve been engaged in a minor fashion show, complete with baby pants that are just wide enough to accommodate your bear’s chunky legs. Would your legs have been thick and strong too? It's so hard knowing we will never know. Emmeline, we take such joy in your continued presence in our celebrations and such pain in your absence. Thank you for bringing light to our life as we attempt to navigate a world with only your memory and a bear standing in your place. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #thanksgiving #holidays Month 33 November and December are especially fraught in our house. You should be here with our family, experiencing seasonal joy and food in our arms and at our table. Instead on Thanksgiving your bear joined us from afar, perched on the buffet, standing watch over our food against poorly behaved cats. As we approach Christmas, we are still figuring out how to include your memory in our winter festivities. We wanted to make sure that we had clothing for your bear that would suit our holiday photoshoots, and so we’ve been engaged in a minor fashion show, complete with baby pants that are just wide enough to accommodate your bear’s chunky legs. Would your legs have been thick and strong too? It's so hard knowing we will never know. Emmeline, we take such joy in your continued presence in our celebrations and such pain in your absence. Thank you for bringing light to our life as we attempt to navigate a world with only your memory and a bear standing in your place. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #thanksgiving #holidays

Month 32 Holidays are still hard for us. We had such clear ideas of how each one would look WITH you that celebrating them WITHOUT you - or even being surrounded by others as they celebrate - can paralyze me with grief as I'm confronted with the "what should have been" vs. the "what actually is" in a very concrete way. This year you would have been walking, talking, and participating more independently in Halloween activities - group playdates at the pumpkin patch, sensory play with pumpkin guts, and trick-or-treating. I'm still trying to find my way in a world that doesn't have you physically but still holds your memory. So we got you a pumpkin. We decorated. We decided to go ahead and make family costumes. Having your bear as Boo, Dad as Sully, and Mom as the door that brings you into - and out of - the world felt right. We love you, Bemma Boo. Happy Halloween. #EmmelineIris #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #trueknot #HiEmmeline #imissmykid #mybabydied #monstersinc #boo

Emmeline, no matter where we are, we always carry you in our hearts and on our hands. #pregnancyandinfantlossday